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Emotional and Unreal

Wow, this past week has been emotional and unreal.  For the past several months I have noticed that thrivers would become quiet on social media, then someone would post news on their passing.  I always wondered how so soon?  But on Wednesday, April 17th 2018, I went for scans and an already scheduled doctor’s appointment.  What I wasn’t expecting to hear is this: “We should start planning end of life discussions.”  The nurse practitioner looked at me and realized how shocked I was for those words to pass her mouth.  End of life?

Well, yes, I haven’t been having the easiest time lately.  It has been an extremely bumpy road between my recent hospital visit and other moments where I was seeing brighter days.  The APRN looked at me and said “you still look as though you have more fight in you.”  I said of course, but how do you process this?  She said that on Monday, when your doctor returns, we will discuss all the options. She said there are treatment options but they won’t be easy; they could potentially do more harm but they could help, too. 

Monday… 5 days away… do I count this as 5 days till judgment day?!? But I began to ask myself, how would I choose to live my life out if it’s only a matter of months.  If I have 6 months to live what should I do?  Revamp my bucket list and make as many memories as I can.  This is not easy on a small budget, without my income and with a husband who works for a new non-profit.  I have been assisting him with the non-profit while I have been well, but the truth is that we will need support to get us through the duration.

How do you plan a quick last run on a bucket list when currently your days are hit or miss?  Since I’ve been struggling, I’ve noticed that the people who surround me the most are my family.  So I would love to plan out three more adventures, one with my cousins and family to our pre-booked trip to Barbados with Martin for my cousin’s wedding.  If I need a helping hand there, I’ll have family in the room right next door.  The next would be to go to Poland, where Martin’s mother has her home. That can stand as home base in case I need to stay put in bed or just stay home and view the mountains from my mother-in-law’s deck with my mother, sister, and Martin & his family.  Then hopefully I’ll go to my father’s home for short trips around Florida; once again with that as a home base in case I’m struggling.  If by July flying is too much, then we have the RV Martin revamped last year that could take us down and up. 

It’s a mixture of the power of distraction and the power of positivity.

But, still, Monday April 23rd is judgment day.  If we choose treatment this could move the timing around, but I know I have to plan my memories and moments now. 

I’d also enjoy just hearing from you. You’ve heard my hopes and dreams now; I’d love to hear yours.

by Larissa Gionfriddo Podermanski, Metastatically Speaking, April 2018

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