Mental Health and MBC - Living with Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety. Mental health. Depression.

Am I exempt from stress, anxiety or any other type of mental health issues? No -- I wish, but no.

I grew up surrounded by people struggling with their mental health. My brother Tim was diagnosed with schizophrenia at a young age. Honestly, I didn’t understand the illness, and so was often annoyed that my older brother was doing older brother things like stealing my diary or crashing my date nights. My list of examples of Tim being Tim could go on and on.

I have also have had friends who came back from war with PTSD (and some could say I have PTSD too).

It doesn’t matter how positive you try to be, or how much faith you have. Dealing with a terminal illness can present several mental health issues and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. People ask me all the time how I stay positive. The answer -- is I don’t know. Yes, I keep my head up, I keep moving forward, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have moments where I feel like I’m drowning in a sea I can’t escape. It doesn’t mean I don’t need to take something to help me calm down. It doesn’t mean I figured out a magical pill that makes me feel better. I have found my own natural remedies that help me, but I’m not superwoman.

When you learn you have breast cancer, followed by appointments with tons of doctors followed by more and more bad news, it’s a wonder you don’t see more posts about mental health issues running rampant in our cancer communities. But just because people aren’t talking or writing about it doesn’t mean that’s not the case. In those first months, when you’re reeling in shock, trying to deal with the news that you have cancer and what it’s going to take to treat it, you lose a piece of yourself to constant fear. When you wait hours or days for your scan results – which dictate what the next three months of your life will be like (will you be able to relax or will you have to suffer a more aggressive treatment?) -- you might experience symptoms of PTSD. You are overwhelmed by fear and the vivid memories of your first experience hearing life-shattering news.

Growing up I kept a journal that my brother Tim would repeatedly steal. I was told it would be therapeutic to journal, and it definitely is, especially now that I don’t have to fill up my journal with “Tim, if you’re reading this … ” lol. Living with cancer is extremely mind-blowing and hearing people urge you to be positive becomes overwhelming in itself. We need our support system to support our down moments too. If you see I’m on the edge of a mental breakdown, maybe say, “Hey, want to yell at me? I won’t take it personally,” or “Want to go find a punching bag and punch out your frustrations?” Or “Look, I can’t imagine what you’re going through, and I can’t begin to understand, but if you want to lay it on me from wherever in your mind you are, I’ll keep my ears open.” (We might not want to start from Day 1 of cancer, especially in the metastatic world.)

We don’t expect everyone to understand where we are coming from. Maybe we want time to be normal and not think about cancer. But just because we look like we are fed up with treatments or side effects doesn’t mean we have thrown in the towel. It could just mean we are tired, and saying “Be positive” can feel like you are saying to us, “You aren’t trying hard enough.” Trust me, living with metastatic breast cancer is hard work, even if I make it look easy.

by Larissa Gionfriddo Podermanski, Metastatically Speaking, February 2018

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