Progression and Pain

How are you? The question I’m asked over and over again, each and every day. I don’t mind answering how I’m feeling, its a completely normal thing to ask, but let me explain what okay actually means. How are you? Me “Better” Better can mean so many different things. This past week I went from a 10 to a 8. Yeah I feel better but far from the better we all associate with the word better. We spend so much time sometimes trying to explain how we are feeling when to be honest its no easy task. Am I ever okay? No. I have cancer. But I am okay because when I’m feeling up to it I choose to be OKAY. Man is this hard to explain. This is where positivity and determination tend to get mushed into one meaning. Am I the super positive wonder woman? Or am I a 6 on the scale and I just want to make the most of it because someday I’ll be a 10 again. I was dreading Tuesday because I thought that I might be developing a reaction to my chemo, but Monday came and so did the pain. We don’t know why or whats going on with me, but cancer, health and life are hard to have all the answers to. Monday I felt the tightness in my liver, hours later the spasms crept in and by Monday afternoon I was stuck in bed afraid to move. Tuesday was suppose to be chemo day but it turned into how can we try to help Larissa’s pain level get to be a 9 a least. Wednesday the pain medication is finally kicking in and I could say I was finally an 8 and ready for chemo but my nausea spiked. Usually you hear of people throwing up from chemo but I was throwing up right up until chemo. Thursday I sat on my computer on the couch all day unsure what to do other than get caught up on computer stuff. I felt ironically better. What is better: 7 Life with cancer is no walk in the park and describing it is a very challenging word hunt! A part of cancer is being sick, so being under the weather shouldn’t surprise anyone. But how do we really feel, well better technically but still in bed. by Larissa Gionfriddo Podermanski, Metastatically Speaking, February 2018 ***

Yesterday I heard the dreaded words of progression. Of course it’s sad & scary. It’s never what a thriver would ever hope to hear. But for some reason the saying “that’s just how the cookie crumbles” pops into my head. I’m sure it’s commonly used to work it into cancer (lol). But now it’s a thing! Instead of basking in the bad news I’m going to set up a small vision board activity to envision my future. I don’t have to envision decades but I can envision a prosperous and adventurous 2018! (If cancer agrees or not)

***

I recently experienced how emotionally draining cancer can be. I normally try to be kind and see things from other people’s side but when you’re at your lowest keeping yourself together is extremely challenging. Positivity can get you through a few days but at weeks your frustration & anger can overcome you. When your friend battles something like this let them vent, let them be angry, try to listen because we can’t expect others to really understand. Listening and not taking it personally is a gift to us. Being trustworthy (we might not want everyone to know how you are at your weakest) and when you get a friend like this... who can help you through your hardest times… it is the ultimate gift!

by Larissa Gionfriddo Podermanski, March 2018

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