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Living with Anxiety and Depression - I Can Do It

 ‘I Can Do It:’

When I was in college I had to take an anger management course. It was mandatory for everyone with my major. It turned out to be a life-changer for me and it helped me become who I am today. I’m not saying run to your nearest Barnes & Noble or Amazon.com for the self-help section, or anything like that. The first day of class my professor went over the syllabus with us and told us we would need to read one self-help book. Here’s the thing: I HATE READING. I do it if I have to but I don’t read for fun. I’m a slow reader and it sometimes it isn’t easy for me to process information that way.

Later that night I went to the self-help area of a bookstore and looked at several books. “Too long … the words are too big … I don’t understand this …” and on and on, until I came across Lewis Hays’ book “I Can Do It.” It was short, the words weren’t too big and -- drum roll please -- it came with a DVD! I thought I had hit the jackpot, and it would turn out that I did, in fact. That book and others after it helped me face a depressing phase of my life in college. That book helped me move on from ex-boyfriends and deal with the news that my biological mother had passed away. It helped me change the way I thought and to be mindful of my thoughts. When I find myself slipping into negativity, I consciously change my thoughts. 

Talk to someone:

When I can’t control my thoughts on my own, I have people I can talk to. I didn’t choose a psychologist or psychotherapist. Instead, I picked a counselor from Dana Farber, one of my oncology nurses and my reiki therapist. (They didn’t even know they signed up for the job, but they are all great at it!).

Exercise can help also. When I’m physically able, burning off my emotions or stress can do wonders for me. I used to go on the elliptical machine and push myself until I looked like a madwoman. I would pick songs that would help me envision hearing the doctor say one day, “Larissa, I’m happy to say you’re cancer-free.” 

Join your local Live Strong group to help you re-engage in physical activity. I used to work out prior to getting cancer. I could squat 225 pounds, and I do miss those days. But since I’m not the person I was before cancer, I found comfort walking back in to the gym with other survivors and thrivers. I can’t squat that weight now (that doesn’t mean never again, however) and I can’t use certain machines I used to be able to. But here we are all starting off on the same foot, with similar barriers and similar stories. And maybe just meeting others who are like you could be beneficial.

Plan a surprise trip: 

This isn’t a trip that’s six to 12 months away. That only makes you worry if you will be healthy enough six months from now. A surprise trip is, “Hey, next week we are jumping in the car and going to Florida!” If you can pull together a mini-getaway, by all means treat yourself and go! Show yourself love by spoiling yourself. Make happy memories. Reward yourself with new experiences. Take a risk and surprise someone who lives hours away. Sometimes the ride itself will help you change your thinking (and then chemo brain kicks in and hopefully you remember where you are going). I usually avoid this problem by having my husband drive, otherwise I would probably end up in some tricky situations.

Try something new:

OK, you were told you have the Big C. Suddenly, your dreams are ripped apart and your future is unclear. Instead of giving up and giving in, try something new. Did you always want to learn how to play the piano? Then learn! Don’t have time because you’re in chemo? Do it there (this is a great idea I’m stealing for myself). Yes, cancer affects every aspect of your life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t welcome exciting changes.

Although I kept that journal growing up, if anyone (besides my brother) had read it, it probably wouldn’t have made much sense. In addition to hating reading, I also disliked writing, and viewed myself as by far the worst writer in the world. If you had told me I would be a blogger, I would have laughed you out of the room. But when I was diagnosed I wanted to leave the old me behind, and so I decided to share my story of living with metastatic breast cancer. The day I pressed “publish” on my first blog post was the start of a new and very different me.

Final thoughts: 

When I hit a bump or have a bad day I recite this quote from Lewis Hays’ book: “It’s only a thought, and a thought can be changed.” Say it out loud: “It’s only a thought and a thought can be changed.” Then think of something else. Instead of thinking “Man, I’m having a shitty day,” (even if it’s true) decide to make it a good day instead by changing that thought.

by Larissa Gionfriddo Podermanski, Metastatically Speaking, March 2018

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